Kendall and I have a different story than a lot of people. Up to about 1 month ago, it has been a story full of text messages, facetimes, and intentional conversations. We knew our situation and understood it was going to be difficult, but wanted to do our best to make our time apart valuable. That’s where intentionality came in. Not just intentional with the time we tried to give each other, but also the topics of our conversations.

Defining: Intentional Conversation

Because Intentional conversations are… intentional, we wanted to give it an intentional meaning. These discussions are done on purpose and for a purpose. That means although we talked just about every night, we would set time aside later in the week to talk about a specific topic. Setting up a time and day later that same week was intentional and helpful for a few reasons. 

1. It allowed us to pray and practice Psalm 139:23-24 which says, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
2. It allowed us time to question and search ourselves
3. It allowed us to do research so we can grow in our knowledge

When we came back together to have this conversation, we aimed to be honest with God, with ourselves, and with each other. Being transparent for success in the relationship. This would shed some light on how compatible we were. As more and more topics were discussed, we knew each other more and more. While we did have that initial attraction, we didn’t want to mess around. We dove into these conversations pretty quick to make sure this was even something that would work for a lifetime. It was during these talks we grew deeper and realized just about all of our core values were the same or very similar. 

What to Talk About

Conversations about values, goals, dreams were paramount in the early days of our relationship, even before we were “official”. Then taking these topics and breaking them down to why we have these views. 

In Kendall and I’s situation, these conversations included topics such as our relationship with God, family dynamics (present and dreams for the future), importance of community, schooling, future careers, the type of life we want to live. Our relationship with God was the priority for both of us and will always be, even a priority over our spouse when we’re married. Many of our core values and beliefs, we found, are the same because of our foundation in the Word and what we know to be true. 

When you find a topic of interest, as you wait for that scheduled, intentional conversation, dig deep into it. Ask God to search your heart and point out anything that He wants you to see. Ask yourself hard questions as you answer. Why do you view this topic like this? Where did it begin? Is that right? What makes it right? What does God say about it in His Word?

Here is a short list of questions to help get you started:

• What things has God repeatedly taught you throughout your walk with Him?
• How has your family shaped you into the person you are today?
• What are some hard times from your past? What makes them hard?
• What makes you feel most supported during hard times?
• What are some things that bring you joy in life? 
• If you have to order from most to least important… what’s the order (Faith, Family, Community, Career, Education)? Why this order?
• What characteristics do you dream your future spouse has?
• What are some things about yourself personally, that you are working on right now?

How to Talk About It

When the time has come, start off on the right foot. “How do you do that?” you ask yourself. Fantastic question. Show up on time, show up ready (so do the work that I talked about above), and pray together, asking God to bless the time and make it a fruitful conversation. Whether it’s at their home, over the phone, on a dinner date… it does not matter.

When the other person is talking, listen to them fully. As Paul tells us to “walk” in Ephesians 4:2-3, listen “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Try to understand them and where they are coming from. Love them as they are being vulnerable and thank them for trusting you. Do your best to understand through asking questions. Ask how God has worked in their life through that topic. Ask how they can work to be better at it. Ask how you can help if need be. Be open, honest, real, and create an environment where they feel they can be all those things as well.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching”. Hebrews 10:24-25